In an interview with Denialistan Times, Maulana Junaid Jamshed of Lays Chips fame tells our reporter that Allah loves Lays chips and doesnt really like women. He said, as much as I would want to, but regretfully cannot deny women being Allahs creation but the almighty puts them in the same category as shaitaan or the haram Slanty chips – the owners of which never asked Maulana for a Halal endorsement. He continued saying, if there was electricity when it all started and the Roti Maker was a reality, Allah might have dropped the idea of creating women folk who cannot even make Round Rotis as a standard practice while a Roti Maker makes perfect Round Rotis without moaning or demanding equality.
Our reporter Shahida Aslam interviewed the esteemed Maulana at a TV studio where he was promoting Islam by distributing Chinese motorcycles to desperate countrymen. The Maulana during introductions asked our reporter for the name of her brother or husband which she couldnt provide stating she doesnt have a brother and is single. The Maulana said this is a hypothetical situation and every woman has at least one man to act as her identity. He later demanded the name of her chowkidar which she told is Pir Baksh. Maulana got furious and demanded the chowkidar be renamed as Allah Baksh and referred to her as Allah Baksh throughout the interview.
When Shahida questioned the Maulana regarding his misogynist statements, he furiously rejected that allegation and said my mother is woman, how can you say I am misogynist? He added, I even have a daughter who is a woman, what else do you want me to do? When the reporter asked him to explain his statements, he cited his expensive designer Lawns stating thats clear evidence he likes women as much as their money. Women come to my shops all the time, did I ever ban them? he said. Frustrated, he said if there’s one thing I hate it’s being called a misogynist by a clearly inferior gender.
Pakistan doesnt have a Halal certification authority like those in the Western world but the Maulana has over time become an authority in his own right. He is known for endorsing products like Lays Chips and Novartis vaccines and independently verifying Halalness of products and promoting them. When our reporter asked the Maulana about his modelling for various products, he said he is doing a service to Islam by promoting the very Halal Lays chips and charges absolutely nothing for these media campaigns. All I got for the Lays campaign was a life time supply of Lays Ketchup flavour and prayers of the Ummah who can now enjoy the crispy Lays chips without fear. He added, Imagine! even the women can eat Lays chips because of me, although they dont have a need to considering they can fry a Pakoras or two for themselves too when they do this for their husbands.
The Maulana, discussing the stature of women said, all the rotis I eat are made by a woman, the kurta I am wearing was ironed by a woman this morning how can you say I hate women? I even had her wash my car this morning! He said he respects the woman in her life so much so that he encourages her to do voting on family affairs respecting equality. Citing an example he said he they recently had a voting on the question if a woman should be chained to the oven or the washing machine; and outvoted her 1-1 like every time.
After clarifying his position on women, he said women have been created for a purpose. He said it has been scientifically proven that women have smaller feet than men and this is to allow them to stand closer to the sink and stove. From an evolutionary biology point of view, he added, women have a superior listening power which suggests their role always have been to listen and act. In the hunters and gatherers societies, womens role throughout history has been to store and manage the food and feed others. We, the men, have only made life easier for them by giving them fridge, oven, stove and what not whats the point of moaning over inequality all the time when even Science proves otherwise and men have done so much for them. If we can invent a stove and oven, we can make robots too for cooking our Chicken Handi or do our laundry what would these bi*ches do then?
Referring to Maulanas statements in Nida Yasirs show, Shahida asked him to explain why he considers women untrustworthy to which he responded saying, You see the first woman in the world misguided the first man in the world . since then we just dont trust you lot. Shaida reminded Maulana of his statement in the same show that men like being at home and women like going out all the time to which he responded saying, Did you read the news a woman went to the space recently? Isnt that enough evidence you lot have this in you to run away? Yeah, thats why we dont trust you.
Talking about the womens line in his clothing and accessories business, he said he totally considers womens money equal to that of a man and thats why he has so much to offer for women in his stores. When Shahida asked Maulana if he plans to launch accessories like watches etc for women, he said there is no need for that because there is a clock on the microwave these days.
Just before Shahida could finish the interview, he asked Maulana to stop calling her Allah Baksh but the Maulana refused to use her name. He said he can settle for Shahid though. As Shahida was leaving, Maulana handed his business card to her and requested if Denailistan TV can invite him to their shows where he can promote Islam by bashing women.