True Love comes after marriage ?
A bright sunny day, a wide, green ground surrounded by palm trees. In the middle of the ground is a person sitting on a chair classically designed with a royal look with a young crowd surrounding him sitting on the ground in a very organized manner.
The person sitting in the middle says, “Someone define love.”
No response.
“Doesn’t anyone want to try?” he asked.
Still no response.
“Tell you what: I’ll define it, and you raise your hands if you agree. Okay?”
Nods.
“Okay. Love is that feeling you get when you meet the right person.”
Every hand went up.
The person sitting in the middle with a taunting smile stared a few of them and said, “Oy !” and then started to discuss things with them.
Well, it’s a fraction of a dream I saw last night when it was raining in sheets and I was in my bed trying to sleep early in the morning around 5 AM. I can not recall what exactly I saw and what exactly were that crowd discussing but I just want to put it down with my own expression.
Well, this is how many people approach a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, they believe love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. If this is how people perceive a relationship, then just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic “just isn’t there” anymore. You fall in love, and you can fall out of it.
The question that hammers me is what is love — real, lasting love?
|
Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another’s goodness.
|
The word “goodness” may surprise you. After all, most love stories don’t feature a couple enraptured with each other’s ethics. But I am talking about real love ! |
It is a natural to humans that what we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings and always we look for justifications for our wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love. Looks, money and such material things don’t move one to real love.
|
Love is by choice ! It not just happens , you can love anyone by focusing on his/her goodness ! |
If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn’t just happen — you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you’ll love easily. |
I was once at a concert in which the performer, gazed warmly at his audience and said, “I want you to know, I love you all.” I smiled tolerantly and thought, “Sure.” Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us.
Obviously, there’s a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning.
Being compromising and accepting others when needed is an important aspect of this feeling. Rida learned about this foundation of love after knowing Abbas for an year or so. When she called her parents to tell them the about him, they were elated. At the end of the conversation, her mother said, “Darling, I want you to know we love you, and we love Abbas.”
Rida was a bit dubious. “Mom,” she said hesitantly, “I really appreciate your feelings, but, in all honesty, how can you say you love someone you’ve never met?”
|
By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.
|
“We’re choosing to love him,” her mother explained, “because love is a choice.” There’s no better wisdom Rida’s mother could have imparted to her before marriage. By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.
|
The way God created us, actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving zakaat / khumus (charity) will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving — and that means giving.
While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth, as I believe is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love. If it be the first case, that’s not real love, for sure. Its true however, love demands sacrifices and compromises too.
But the question remains, What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, “Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday — a triple-decker toolbox!” that’s not giving. Neither is a father’s forcing Urdu literature lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a Urdu writer, irrespective of the interests of boy!
True giving, is other-oriented, and requires a few elements.
The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient’s life and growth.One should care for the other person more or equal to how he/she cares for himself. It is important to note that supporting the partner is as important as caring rather its synonymous to caring. For instance, lets say your loved one has to wake up whole night to prepare for an exam and is very tensed and nervous because of the exam. Your support here should be to buck up the person time to time in the night and to give the feeling that you are with them. Staying up awake with them , seeing them , giving attention is needed and if you are away, keep on sending texts or give a call time to time.
The second is responsibility, responding
to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). Most important are the emotional needs, I believe. Apart, one must be supportive and helping enough to take care of what are the needs to the person and be there when needed to the maximum possible. However, sometimes it may not be possible.
The third is respect, “the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality,” and, consequently, wanting that person to “grow and unfold as he [or she] is.” One must not just respect the person the way he/ she is but should also strive to help him/her grow and be more mature, to have a wider exposure.
These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her. So, you must know the one you love or the one you want to be with ! Knowing not only just means that you should know what he likes to wear, eat and drink and where he wants to go. It’s a lot more than that. One must know the habits, the feelings of the other persons and should know how the other person will react in particular circumstances and how would he feel and react on some situation. You must think well before speaking out something keeping in view the relation with the person and one must perceive the other person’s statements keeping in view the relationship status.
(These description of 4 elements were inspired from A Better Relationship by Alan Buddy)
|
The more you give, the more you love. |
The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person’s world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself.
|
Few years ago, I met a person whom I found unpleasant. He seemed to be a good guy and he were like friends and but didn’t treated him as a very close one when he treated me so. He tried out the “giving leads to love” theory. One day he invited me for dinner. A few days later he offered me help with academic problems. On another occasion he helped me adjust to the new environment where he was settled well already. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents (who’ve given you more than you’ll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they’ll love you.
|
Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time — which nearly always means after marriage. |
You need to know the one you love very well and need to give them all you can. During this time, your love is growing. And you only get this much of time after marriage! One may love someone but true love is thus established after marriage , I believe – which is quite opposite to what majority believe that marriages destroys love ! |
The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. It can be called love as well, but this love grows deep and can be called true love only after marriage when you know each other well after spending years together and are in a condition to give more and more in all terms. Before marriage, there may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wives give more and more to each other.
Dr. Sandy Akkins states,“A relationship has its ups and downs, The downs can be really low — and when you’re in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse.”
She further adds, “Love is a behavior, A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving — not only saying, I love you, but showing it “
Comments awaited !.
Leave your response!